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| Laura Mallory to Protest Phoenix Rising (Ed. 102)
Popular Georgia mother of two dozen Laura Mallory has announced plans to organize a protest of this week’s upcoming Harry Potter convention, Phoenix Rising, in New Orleans.
Mallory, who has pushed for the ban of Harry Potter in Georgia schools, said she was inspired by Cindy Sheehan’s successful protests and pickets of President Bush’s Crawford Ranch.
“Ms. Sheehan and I share a common passion, stopping evil in America. These Harry Potter books are filth, and are turning our children towards the evils of Wica.” Mrs. Mallory’s
website described Phoenix Rising as an organization of underground witches, who plan to cast black magic spells on New Orleans.
The Reverend Pat Buchanan called Mallory’s protest welcomed by God. “I talked to God, and God hates these wizard people, he thinks they’re blasphemous. God has told me
that he is going to protect Mallory in the face of any evil spells which might be cast her way, and that he will smite these Harvey Potter witchcraft practicing bastards.”
It is unclear what other celebrity heavy weights will be in town to help in Mallory’s protest. Rumors abound that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton will join in, citing the lack of
African descent characters. Rosie O’Donnell is also rumored to be in attendance, claiming overweight people in the book are misrepresented, and that Donald Trump is an jerk,
much like Voldemort. The White House released an official statement condemning Phoenix Rising and all witches as part of the Axis of Evil. “We’re gonna send Brownie back down
there to finish the job, and clean up the witchcraft problem once and for all.” Fema is expected to arrive a month after the event has ended.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Hufflepuff Considers Changing House Motto (Ed. 102)
Current President of the Hogwarts chapter of Hufflepuff house, and third runner up for Head Girl, has announced the house motto will no longer be,
“We Were Picked Last.” The decision came after months of intense fighting between current students, who are more aware of political correctness, and alumni
graduates who are more aware that tradition is important, and change is scary, so things should always be kept the same.
There is no news about a replacement motto, however a few have been suggested. “At least we’re not Slytherin.” “Diggory was a Puff, we can’t be that bad.”
“Hey, come on, really, at least we’re not Slytherin.” “Sorta Smart, Kinda Brave, Sometimes Ambitious.” “Hufflepuffs Are Easy.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Underpants Gnomes Invade Garden Nation (Ed. 102)
In an unprecedented PR move, the Underpants Gnomes have declared war on the Garden Nation and invade the tiny country. Early this morning Underpants infantry were
observed filing across the border in full battle gear singing, “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to war we go.” The Garden president, Gnome Norm Handy, immediately called on the
United Nations for support, however, the UN was unavailable due to a schedule conflict with Chocolate Awareness Week.
The Underpants Chancellor upheld his determination to conquer Garden Nation. “350 years ago, Garden Nation was a part of the Underpants Federation. In the 30
Years War it was, without reason, taken away. It is now time for the Underpantonians to take back what was rightfully theirs!”
Responding to this, Professor Hour Haines of the University of Wizardry and Witchcraft, Dublin. “The Underpantonians perception of Garden Nation as a
breakaway state is not based in any historical facts. During the reign of Queen Victoria, the Underpants Federation signed the treaty of Loom de Fruites, which granted
unconditional sovereignty to the Garden Nation.” This was taken from Haines new book “Queen Victoria’s Secret.”
Dr. Michael Jordan has been sent by the Underpants Federation to negotiate a preliminary surrender.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| On This Day in History
Dumbledore Wins Beard and Mustache Competition (Ed. 102)
Berlin, Germany was the location of the 107th International Beard and Mustache Competition (IBMC) this past week. Albus Dumbledore, known amateur
horticulturalist, has placed in the top five every year since creating the IMBC. Albus competed as always in the Full Beard Natural section, and
this year entered an Imperial Mustache (which was awarded 8th runner up). Personally acknowledged to be quite insane, the Headmaster of Hogwarts
carefully cloaks this absurd tradition in the world of Muggles, opening it to the general public after an incident in the 37th year.
Past winners of the competition include Charlie Chaplin and Albert Einstein. Groucho Marx was disqualified
for using paint as a hair substitute, and Vernon Dursley, uncle to famous wizard Harry Potter, was prohibited from ever competing again when his nose hair measured more than
30% of his mustache and trace amounts of Rogaine were found in the follicles. Next year’s competition will be held in Stockholm, Sweden.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Seventh Horcrux Identity Finally Revealed (Ed. 102)
It has finally been discovered that the seventh and final horcrux destroyed by Harry Potter to defeat Lord Voldemort was a pair of former potion master, Severus Snape’s underpants.
Longtime friend, and confidant of Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom revealed the identity after several long years of misinformation and muttered responses by those who were present.
“It was disgusting,” said Longbottom when speaking on the subject. “These greying, moldy underpants were just sitting there in the bottom drawer of Lord Voldemort’s dresser.
No one wanted to touch them, it was really nasty, and it looked like they were moving. We finally drew straws to decide, but we swore never to tell who touched them. Remember Harry, we swore!”
Rumors abound as to how the horcrux was made. Helga Hufflepuff’s cup was made when Voldemort murdered Professur Herperdo, and was significant to him as symbolic from
the original founders. A common theory is that Professor Snape, who went missing during the war, was murdered by Voldemort after being caught in a relationship with another dark wizard.
In a jealous rage, the Dark Lord used various illegal charms on the potion’s master before killing him and turning the only remaining clothing on his body into his final horcrux.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Recount Ordered for “Deathly Hallows” Length (Ed. 102)
Recount Ordered for “Deathly Hallows” Length
After questions from fans regarding the actual real length of “Deathly Hallows” Scholastics and Bloomsbury today agreed to recount the book’s size. Purists argue that
Deathly Hallows, 784 pages, is technically longer than “Goblet of Fire” by 50 pages, admitting that it is significantly shorter than “Order of the Phoenix’s” 870. However, the
Reformists point out that American publisher Scholastics has been steadily increasing the font size of the books over the last ten years. Font expert Ariel Garamond stated that,
“When Scholastics first started publishing Harry Potter in 1997 they used a ten point Courier New format, which equates to characters which are approximately 3 millimetres in height,
and span 20 per inch. In 2003, Scholastics introduced the “Harry Potter Courier New” which is vastly bigger, measuring almost 4.5 millimetres in height, and only accommodating 15 per inch.”
Trouble has been brewing since day one on this issue. Immediately following the announced length Purists cheered the decision, and declared “Deathly Hallows” immediately the
second longest book in the series. Reformers boycotted this result and called for a re-count of the length, refusing to recognize the book as second longest, and placing it in the
disgraceful position of Fifth shortest in the series After prolonged negotiations between the two sides, involving at least two walks outs, it was agreed that a word count was necessary
to resolve the dispute once and for all. This was acceptable to both sides until one “#1HerryPotrFan” pointed out on the common message forum Dergin Alley, “U all r stoopid U need to
count the letters bc GoF uses big words.” Scholastics is now looking into whether a letter count is even possible. The noted Potter expert Malcolm P has come up with a theory that
measures letter to words. “Well, the theory is quite simple, it takes the number of letters per book and then divides that number by the average length of a word, and then multiplies the
result by the coefficient of Pi.” Malcolm P stressed his hope that the Potter Letter Formula would finally put an end to the length debate and allow the community to focus on real issues.
“Yes, like whether Harry is –really- The One, or whether he’s actually Neville from the future, come back to re-defeat Moldy Voldy.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Puddlemere United Co-Captain Questioned (Ed. 101)
Oliver Wood, English Quidditch World Cup star and Puddlemere United Co-Captain was brought in for questioning earlier this week by the Magical Law Enforcement in
connection to a series of threatening letters to Brevis Birch, rival Tutshill Tornado’s long time captain.
The letters started two weeks ago, exactly three weeks before the two were to meet for a very important match, one most likely to determine the Quidditch Cup winner.
Threatening his life, as well as his cat, the anonymous author was at first thought to be an irate fan. A break in the case came when police found used newspapers with letters missing near
Oliver Wood’s London flat. Wizard Weekly has discovered that the following letters were missing from the Daily Prophets January 30th edition: “Give Up Or You Will Never See Fluffy Alive
Again!!! Buy Catfood, Milk, Bread, Butter, & Fabric Softener, But Not the Cheap Stuff.”
Oliver Wood was questioned once before in regards Quidditch violence, that time in connection with the many injuries sustained by his Hogwarts team, including a near death
experience by Harry Potter, then seeker of the team, in his third year, when Gryffindor re-won the Cup. All charges were dismissed against Wood when he signed a three year deal with
Puddlemere United reserve, the favored team of the lead Detective.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Argus Filch Actor Records Porn Movie (Ed. 101)
David Bradley, the actor who portrays Argus Filch in the popular Harry Potter movies, recently took a break from co-starring along Dame Maggie Smith and diversified his acting abilities.
Last week, Bradley was in studio recording the soundtrack for a cartoon porn film. There are no details about this cartoon porn, although rumors say there are Potter references.
Asked about his experience in the studio, Bradley said, “it was mainly just grunts and heavy breathing.” The acting community is very glad that Bradley is only doing the voice for one of
the characters and not baring all for the film.
Also appearing as a voice in the new film, is rumored to be none other than Bonnie Wright. “Well, Dan and Rupert get to star in plays where they’re naked, but I can’t do that yet.
So I figured this was the next best thing.” British Social Services could not be reached for comment.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Eleanor Columbus Signs on for Movie Seven, as does Alexander the Toad (Ed. 101)
Following Daniel Radcliffe’s announcement last week that he would sign on to star in the seventh and final Harry Potter movie, “Deathly Hallows,” comes a similar announcement
from Eleanor Columbus. Speaker through her agent and father, Chris Columbus, Eleanor said that she was looking forward to the ‘thrill of starring in the final movie.’
Although Eleanor does not appear in IMDB’s official credits for any of the four movies, she is the only non-British actor allowed to appear in the films, “thanks to my daddy, the director,”
young Eleanor told reporters in 2001.
In a much more anticipated announcement, the toad who has portrayed loveable Neville Longbottom’s toad has also signed on to the final movie. The announcement comes after talks
between Alexander’s agent and Warner Brothers broke down last month over a conflict in schedule and disagreement over how many flies must be present in Alexander’s dressing room each day.
The two were finally able to come to a compromise at 250 flies per day, a significant increase from his salary in “Goblet of Fire.”
Eleanor Columbus’ salary is said to be the same as that from the first film. “Eleanor acts for the love of acting, she’s not in it for the money,” her father told the AP.
“She’s willing to act in anything, including radio commercials, Russian billboards, really, anything out there that will get her noticed…”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Sparklypoof Kicks Out Members (Ed. 101)
House Sparklypoof announced dramatically today, in a bold and courageous move, that they were evicting 150 students from the Malibu Common Room. This trend setting, style savvy decision
comes after the 7th Year board of truthiness met with newly appointed Head of House, and author of at least one still published book, Gilderoy Lockhart. Students were “de-sorted” when the board
decided that the members were not “sparkly” enough. House President Clarissa Baines clarified. “All students were judged on several very objective standards, including cuteness,
degree of jeer, amount of House flare, and smile perfection.”
Professor Lockhart, returning to Hogwarts after partially regaining his memory, had this to say, “Well now let’s all face the facts here. When the Sorting Hat judges those wee tiny little ones,
it can only look inside their heads. We here at Sparklypoof continue this process by making them look into a mirror. If the mirror brakes well then, they’re out like last year’s fashion.”
Headmistress McGonagall commented on the now de-sorted student, “We’ll probably just assign them to Hufflepuff House, it would be too much trouble to sort them properly,
and it’s obvious to anyone with two eyes that’s where the students rightly belong.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Rupert Grint to Appear Naked, Too (Ed. 100)
Jealous of the attention co-star Daniel Radcliffe has been receiving, Rupert Grint today announced that he would be appearing in Annie. Robert Rodriguez’ unorthodox East End production of Annie is the first production to feature a naked Annie on stage with Daddy Warbucks. Rupert, playing the part of Annie, said he was quite happy with this. “You know, if Danny can get his rocks off on stage, so can I. Originally, I auditioned for the part of Punjab, but after seeing me naked, Robert thought I made a better Annie.”
Rodriguez commented on the nudity in this odd version of the classic play. “Annie has forever been a favorite of mine, but I’ve always thought it should be more like Hair, and these Harry Potter actors are more than willing to strip down for it.”
Rehearsal for the production is set to begin in June, with opening night tentatively set for July 13th.
Also starring in the production are Raphe Fiennes as Daddy Warbuck and Maggie Smith as Miss Hanigan.
~Posted by Hestia Jones, The Mug Shot |
| Jo Rowling Announces 8th Book (Ed. 100)
Jo Rowling, just a month after announcing the release date of Deathly Hallows, today announced that she will be writing an 8th Harry
Potter novel. In June of 2000, Ms. Rowling was overheard telling a fan, “I will never, ever, ever, EVER, write an 8th book!” It is unclear
what changed Rowling’s mind, however several police reports show that she recently complained about receiving threatening letters from thousands
of fans angry about the series coming to an end. Rowling’s publicist sang a different tune. “Jo finally realized what everyone had been saying
for a long time, that an 8th book was a great idea. It has absolutely nothing to do about angry fans, or the massive amounts of money that she
and I will be making.”
British authorities are pleased to hear this news and have cancelled plans to open up a suicide hotline for the July 21st release of book 7.
“We’re just all happy that Ms. Rowling has reconsidered,” said an officer who wished to remain anonymous, “I’m sure I speak for all fans when
I say that the letters were just a joke…really.”
~Posted by Sam Herald, Fandom |
| Madam Rosmerta in School Scandal (Ed. 100)
Earlier today authorities took Madam Rosmerta, operator of the Three Broomsticks, into custody. While no official comment was released,
Officer Hamil, who wished to remain anonymous, said the barkeep was being investigated for having inappropriate relations with several
students at Hogwarts. “We can’t tell you their names or what year they’re in, but we can tell you it is not, I repeat not, only Filch
involved this time.” Last year Rosmerta was investigated after Argus Filch, glorified hall monitor, complained to police after buying a
bootlegged Daydream Delux from “that curvy sorta woman down there”.
Headmistress McGonagall could not be reached for comment, however,
assistant Headmistress Granger said, “We can’t really comment right now, it wouldn’t be appropriate, and we probably won’t be able to
comment for rather a while, so please exit the premises immediately.” Minister of Magic Arthur Weasley was however able to comment.
“Wow, really? Madam Rosmerta? My generation was never lucky enough to have something that exciting happen. I remember Diggory once
tried to get with the barkeep. Back then it was this blond woman, Genie, and well, she…Ahem, I mean...”
Playing Stichstock with underage wizards has been outlawed since the magical council of Cardiff, May 2001.
~Posted by Cecilia Saphire, Gossip |
| This Just In: Wizard Rock is Out (Ed. 100)
Today at 2:37pm EST the Harry Potter community voted overwhelmingly to declare Wizard Rock no longer cool. Witches Country is now the
“hip” thing to listen to and perform in the community, as well as abstract finger painting.
Not everyone supported this new movement. Jim M., lead singer, guitarist and back-up vocals of The Dumble Doors, said “This sucks!”
Responding to the second portion of the now outdated vote, Kimberly P. showed her support. “I mean, we all have fingers, don’t we. But like,
not all of us have great voices, and we can’t all make funny music about Harry Potter trees and stuff.”
~Posted by sam Herald, Fandom |
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