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| Laura Mallory to Protest Phoenix Rising (Ed. 102)
Popular Georgia mother of two dozen Laura Mallory has announced plans to organize a protest of this week’s upcoming Harry Potter convention, Phoenix Rising, in New Orleans.
Mallory, who has pushed for the ban of Harry Potter in Georgia schools, said she was inspired by Cindy Sheehan’s successful protests and pickets of President Bush’s Crawford Ranch.
“Ms. Sheehan and I share a common passion, stopping evil in America. These Harry Potter books are filth, and are turning our children towards the evils of Wica.” Mrs. Mallory’s
website described Phoenix Rising as an organization of underground witches, who plan to cast black magic spells on New Orleans.
The Reverend Pat Buchanan called Mallory’s protest welcomed by God. “I talked to God, and God hates these wizard people, he thinks they’re blasphemous. God has told me
that he is going to protect Mallory in the face of any evil spells which might be cast her way, and that he will smite these Harvey Potter witchcraft practicing bastards.”
It is unclear what other celebrity heavy weights will be in town to help in Mallory’s protest. Rumors abound that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton will join in, citing the lack of
African descent characters. Rosie O’Donnell is also rumored to be in attendance, claiming overweight people in the book are misrepresented, and that Donald Trump is an jerk,
much like Voldemort. The White House released an official statement condemning Phoenix Rising and all witches as part of the Axis of Evil. “We’re gonna send Brownie back down
there to finish the job, and clean up the witchcraft problem once and for all.” Fema is expected to arrive a month after the event has ended.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Recount Ordered for “Deathly Hallows” Length (Ed. 102)
Recount Ordered for “Deathly Hallows” Length
After questions from fans regarding the actual real length of “Deathly Hallows” Scholastics and Bloomsbury today agreed to recount the book’s size. Purists argue that
Deathly Hallows, 784 pages, is technically longer than “Goblet of Fire” by 50 pages, admitting that it is significantly shorter than “Order of the Phoenix’s” 870. However, the
Reformists point out that American publisher Scholastics has been steadily increasing the font size of the books over the last ten years. Font expert Ariel Garamond stated that,
“When Scholastics first started publishing Harry Potter in 1997 they used a ten point Courier New format, which equates to characters which are approximately 3 millimetres in height,
and span 20 per inch. In 2003, Scholastics introduced the “Harry Potter Courier New” which is vastly bigger, measuring almost 4.5 millimetres in height, and only accommodating 15 per inch.”
Trouble has been brewing since day one on this issue. Immediately following the announced length Purists cheered the decision, and declared “Deathly Hallows” immediately the
second longest book in the series. Reformers boycotted this result and called for a re-count of the length, refusing to recognize the book as second longest, and placing it in the
disgraceful position of Fifth shortest in the series After prolonged negotiations between the two sides, involving at least two walks outs, it was agreed that a word count was necessary
to resolve the dispute once and for all. This was acceptable to both sides until one “#1HerryPotrFan” pointed out on the common message forum Dergin Alley, “U all r stoopid U need to
count the letters bc GoF uses big words.” Scholastics is now looking into whether a letter count is even possible. The noted Potter expert Malcolm P has come up with a theory that
measures letter to words. “Well, the theory is quite simple, it takes the number of letters per book and then divides that number by the average length of a word, and then multiplies the
result by the coefficient of Pi.” Malcolm P stressed his hope that the Potter Letter Formula would finally put an end to the length debate and allow the community to focus on real issues.
“Yes, like whether Harry is –really- The One, or whether he’s actually Neville from the future, come back to re-defeat Moldy Voldy.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Jo Rowling Announces 8th Book (Ed. 100)
Jo Rowling, just a month after announcing the release date of Deathly Hallows, today announced that she will be writing an 8th Harry Potter novel. In June of 2000, Ms. Rowling was overheard telling a fan, “I will never, ever, ever, EVER, write an 8th book!” It is unclear what changed Rowling’s mind, however several police reports show that she recently complained about receiving threatening letters from thousands of fans angry about the series coming to an end. Rowling’s publicist sang a different tune. “Jo finally realized what everyone had been saying for a long time, that an 8th book was a great idea. It has absolutely nothing to do about angry fans, or the massive amounts of money that she and I will be making.”
British authorities are pleased to hear this news and have cancelled plans to open up a suicide hotline for the July 21st release of book 7. “We’re just all happy that Ms. Rowling has reconsidered,” said an officer who wished to remain anonymous, “I’m sure I speak for all fans when I say that the letters were just a joke…really.”
~Posted by Sam Herald, Fandom |
| This Just In: Wizard Rock is Out (Ed. 100)
Today at 2:37pm EST the Harry Potter community voted overwhelmingly to declare Wizard Rock no longer cool. Witches Country is now the “hip” thing to listen to and perform in the community, as well as abstract finger painting.
Not everyone supported this new movement. Jim M., lead singer, guitarist and back-up vocals of The Dumble Doors, said “This sucks!”
Responding to the second portion of the now outdated vote, Kimberly P. showed her support. “I mean, we all have fingers, don’t we. But like, not all of us have great voices, and we can’t all make funny music about Harry Potter trees and stuff.”
~Posted by sam Herald, Fandom |
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