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| Sparklypoof Kicks Out Members (Ed. 101)
House Sparklypoof announced dramatically today, in a bold and courageous move, that they were evicting 150 students from the Malibu Common Room. This trend setting, style savvy decision
comes after the 7th Year board of truthiness met with newly appointed Head of House, and author of at least one still published book, Gilderoy Lockhart. Students were “de-sorted” when the board
decided that the members were not “sparkly” enough. House President Clarissa Baines clarified. “All students were judged on several very objective standards, including cuteness,
degree of jeer, amount of House flare, and smile perfection.”
Professor Lockhart, returning to Hogwarts after partially regaining his memory, had this to say, “Well now let’s all face the facts here. When the Sorting Hat judges those wee tiny little ones,
it can only look inside their heads. We here at Sparklypoof continue this process by making them look into a mirror. If the mirror brakes well then, they’re out like last year’s fashion.”
Headmistress McGonagall commented on the now de-sorted student, “We’ll probably just assign them to Hufflepuff House, it would be too much trouble to sort them properly,
and it’s obvious to anyone with two eyes that’s where the students rightly belong.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Puddlemere United Co-Captain Questioned (Ed. 101)
Oliver Wood, English Quidditch World Cup star and Puddlemere United Co-Captain was brought in for questioning earlier this week by the Magical Law Enforcement in
connection to a series of threatening letters to Brevis Birch, rival Tutshill Tornado’s long time captain.
The letters started two weeks ago, exactly three weeks before the two were to meet for a very important match, one most likely to determine the Quidditch Cup winner.
Threatening his life, as well as his cat, the anonymous author was at first thought to be an irate fan. A break in the case came when police found used newspapers with letters missing near
Oliver Wood’s London flat. Wizard Weekly has discovered that the following letters were missing from the Daily Prophets January 30th edition: “Give Up Or You Will Never See Fluffy Alive
Again!!! Buy Catfood, Milk, Bread, Butter, & Fabric Softener, But Not the Cheap Stuff.”
Oliver Wood was questioned once before in regards Quidditch violence, that time in connection with the many injuries sustained by his Hogwarts team, including a near death
experience by Harry Potter, then seeker of the team, in his third year, when Gryffindor re-won the Cup. All charges were dismissed against Wood when he signed a three year deal with
Puddlemere United reserve, the favored team of the lead Detective.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Madam Rosmerta in School Scandal (Ed. 100)
Earlier today authorities took Madam Rosmerta, operator of the Three Broomsticks, into custody. While no official comment was released, Officer Hamil, who wished to remain anonymous, said the barkeep was being investigated for having inappropriate relations with several students at Hogwarts. “We can’t tell you their names or what year they’re in, but we can tell you it is not, I repeat not, only Filch involved this time.” Last year Rosmerta was investigated after Argus Filch, glorified hall monitor, complained to police after buying a bootlegged Daydream Delux from “that curvy sorta woman down there”.
Headmistress McGonagall could not be reached for comment, however, assistant Headmistress Granger said, “We can’t really comment right now, it wouldn’t be appropriate, and we probably won’t be able to comment for rather a while, so please exit the premises immediately.” Minister of Magic Arthur Weasley was however able to comment. “Wow, really? Madam Rosmerta? My generation was never lucky enough to have something that exciting happen. I remember Diggory once tried to get with the barkeep. Back then it was this blond woman, Genie, and well, she…Ahem, I mean...”
Playing Stichstock with underage wizards has been outlawed since the magical council of Cardiff, May 2001.
~Posted by Cecilia Saphire, Gossip |
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