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| Hufflepuff Considers Changing House Motto (Ed. 102)
Current President of the Hogwarts chapter of Hufflepuff house, and third runner up for Head Girl, has announced the house motto will no longer be,
“We Were Picked Last.” The decision came after months of intense fighting between current students, who are more aware of political correctness, and alumni
graduates who are more aware that tradition is important, and change is scary, so things should always be kept the same.
There is no news about a replacement motto, however a few have been suggested. “At least we’re not Slytherin.” “Diggory was a Puff, we can’t be that bad.”
“Hey, come on, really, at least we’re not Slytherin.” “Sorta Smart, Kinda Brave, Sometimes Ambitious.” “Hufflepuffs Are Easy.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| On This Day in History
Dumbledore Wins Beard and Mustache Competition (Ed. 102)
Berlin, Germany was the location of the 107th International Beard and Mustache Competition (IBMC) this past week. Albus Dumbledore, known amateur horticulturalist,
has placed in the top five every year since creating the IMBC. Albus competed as always in the Full Beard Natural section, and this year entered an Imperial Mustache
(which was awarded 8th runner up). Personally acknowledged to be quite insane, the Headmaster of Hogwarts carefully cloaks this absurd tradition in the world of Muggles,
opening it to the general public after an incident in the 37th year. Past winners of the competition include Charlie Chaplin and Albert Einstein. Groucho Marx was disqualified
for using paint as a hair substitute, and Vernon Dursley, uncle to famous wizard Harry Potter, was prohibited from ever competing again when his nose hair measured more than
30% of his mustache and trace amounts of Rogaine were found in the follicles. Next year’s competition will be held in Stockholm, Sweden.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Puddlemere United Co-Captain Questioned (Ed. 101)
Oliver Wood, English Quidditch World Cup star and Puddlemere United Co-Captain was brought in for questioning earlier this week by the Magical Law Enforcement in
connection to a series of threatening letters to Brevis Birch, rival Tutshill Tornado’s long time captain.
The letters started two weeks ago, exactly three weeks before the two were to meet for a very important match, one most likely to determine the Quidditch Cup winner.
Threatening his life, as well as his cat, the anonymous author was at first thought to be an irate fan. A break in the case came when police found used newspapers with letters missing near
Oliver Wood’s London flat. Wizard Weekly has discovered that the following letters were missing from the Daily Prophets January 30th edition: “Give Up Or You Will Never See Fluffy Alive
Again!!! Buy Catfood, Milk, Bread, Butter, & Fabric Softener, But Not the Cheap Stuff.”
Oliver Wood was questioned once before in regards Quidditch violence, that time in connection with the many injuries sustained by his Hogwarts team, including a near death
experience by Harry Potter, then seeker of the team, in his third year, when Gryffindor re-won the Cup. All charges were dismissed against Wood when he signed a three year deal with
Puddlemere United reserve, the favored team of the lead Detective.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Sparklypoof Kicks Out Members (Ed. 101)
House Sparklypoof announced dramatically today, in a bold and courageous move, that they were evicting 150 students from the Malibu Common Room. This trend setting, style savvy decision
comes after the 7th Year board of truthiness met with newly appointed Head of House, and author of at least one still published book, Gilderoy Lockhart. Students were “de-sorted” when the board
decided that the members were not “sparkly” enough. House President Clarissa Baines clarified. “All students were judged on several very objective standards, including cuteness,
degree of jeer, amount of House flare, and smile perfection.”
Professor Lockhart, returning to Hogwarts after partially regaining his memory, had this to say, “Well now let’s all face the facts here. When the Sorting Hat judges those wee tiny little ones,
it can only look inside their heads. We here at Sparklypoof continue this process by making them look into a mirror. If the mirror brakes well then, they’re out like last year’s fashion.”
Headmistress McGonagall commented on the now de-sorted student, “We’ll probably just assign them to Hufflepuff House, it would be too much trouble to sort them properly,
and it’s obvious to anyone with two eyes that’s where the students rightly belong.”
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Madam Rosmerta in School Scandal (Ed. 100)
Earlier today authorities took Madam Rosmerta, operator of the Three Broomsticks, into custody. While no official comment was released, Officer Hamil, who wished to remain anonymous, said the barkeep was being investigated for having inappropriate relations with several students at Hogwarts. “We can’t tell you their names or what year they’re in, but we can tell you it is not, I repeat not, only Filch involved this time.” Last year Rosmerta was investigated after Argus Filch, glorified hall monitor, complained to police after buying a bootlegged Daydream Delux from “that curvy sorta woman down there”.
Headmistress McGonagall could not be reached for comment, however, assistant Headmistress Granger said, “We can’t really comment right now, it wouldn’t be appropriate, and we probably won’t be able to comment for rather a while, so please exit the premises immediately.” Minister of Magic Arthur Weasley was however able to comment. “Wow, really? Madam Rosmerta? My generation was never lucky enough to have something that exciting happen. I remember Diggory once tried to get with the barkeep. Back then it was this blond woman, Genie, and well, she…Ahem, I mean...”
Playing Stichstock with underage wizards has been outlawed since the magical council of Cardiff, May 2001.
~Posted by Cecilia Saphire, Gossip |
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