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| Underpants Gnomes Invade Garden Nation (Ed. 102)
In an unprecedented PR move, the Underpants Gnomes have declared war on the Garden Nation and invade the tiny country. Early this morning Underpants infantry were
observed filing across the border in full battle gear singing, “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to war we go.” The Garden president, Gnome Norm Handy, immediately called on the
United Nations for support, however, the UN was unavailable due to a schedule conflict with Chocolate Awareness Week.
The Underpants Chancellor upheld his determination to conquer Garden Nation. “350 years ago, Garden Nation was a part of the Underpants Federation. In the 30
Years War it was, without reason, taken away. It is now time for the Underpantonians to take back what was rightfully theirs!”
Responding to this, Professor Hour Haines of the University of Wizardry and Witchcraft, Dublin. “The Underpantonians perception of Garden Nation as a
breakaway state is not based in any historical facts. During the reign of Queen Victoria, the Underpants Federation signed the treaty of Loom de Fruites, which granted
unconditional sovereignty to the Garden Nation.” This was taken from Haines new book “Queen Victoria’s Secret.”
Dr. Michael Jordan has been sent by the Underpants Federation to negotiate a preliminary surrender.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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| Seventh Horcrux Identity Finally Revealed (Ed. 102)
It has finally been discovered that the seventh and final horcrux destroyed by Harry Potter to defeat Lord Voldemort was a pair of former potion master, Severus Snape’s underpants.
Longtime friend, and confidant of Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom revealed the identity after several long years of misinformation and muttered responses by those who were present.
“It was disgusting,” said Longbottom when speaking on the subject. “These greying, moldy underpants were just sitting there in the bottom drawer of Lord Voldemort’s dresser.
No one wanted to touch them, it was really nasty, and it looked like they were moving. We finally drew straws to decide, but we swore never to tell who touched them. Remember Harry, we swore!”
Rumors abound as to how the horcrux was made. Helga Hufflepuff’s cup was made when Voldemort murdered Professur Herperdo, and was significant to him as symbolic from
the original founders. A common theory is that Professor Snape, who went missing during the war, was murdered by Voldemort after being caught in a relationship with another dark wizard.
In a jealous rage, the Dark Lord used various illegal charms on the potion’s master before killing him and turning the only remaining clothing on his body into his final horcrux.
~Posted by Everett Scott
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